Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Days 16!

Day 16 - A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

If you know me at all, you probably know that, to say the least, I have a passion for music. I am one of those people that makes it a point to listen to the actual LYRICS the first time I hear a song, not just the music...and honestly, songs with pointless lyrics are never my favorites, and are rarely even something I like to listen to on a regular basis (although I will admit, some songs are just CATCHY, and even if I think they are stupid, I can't help myself..I just want to jam). But anyways...I said all that to say, that a lot of the music I like to listen to, I listen to it because there is something emotional about it for me. Some songs can just make me laugh because I think of the irony of how (scary) closely it relates to my life.  Some songs just make me smile because they are cute. Song songs just put me in this place of recognizing how thankful I am for the blessings in my life. Some songs are just good motivators. Some make me sad. But I'll be honest, very few make me least not recently.  It took me a long time to think of something really GOOD to post for this one. I guess I just have this thing with music, and any of my posts that have anything to do with music, I just can't bring myself to pull something out of nowhere; I'm going to put a lot of thought into it. I honestly think that the music a person listens to, or even more so, claims as their favorites...can speak volumes about them.

The song I have chosen is going to require a slight bit of candid explaining. I have honestly just never been much of a crier, and when I first saw the topic for today...nothing came to mind. NADDA. I couldn't think of a single song that makes me cry (although I'm sure there are a few that certainly could...just nothing that came to mind immediately). As I listen to this song now, it doesn't necessarily make me cry in this moment...but there was a time not too terribly long ago, that I would listen to this song so I COULD cry. Just let it out. I would say about a year and a half ago, was one of the most difficult times in my life. It's hard for me to even explain why...nothing particularly BAD was going on in my life at the time...I had definitely been through worse "experiences" so to speak. It was just a really hard time on me emotionally for some reason. I felt so disconnected in a lot of ways...and for me, typically being someone who can hold things together pretty well, even in the midst of a crisis, disconnect is a hard thing to learn how to cope with. I'm not particularly proud to admit this, but it was a time in my life where I, in a sense, had started to give up on God. My heart was completely broken...the details I won't go into here, but I had my reasons...and I honestly just couldn't see why God allowed certain things to happen the way they did. But I'll be honest, I was a bit of an emotional trainwreck during that time. I couldn't feel God anymore. I started to think I would never find someone that would truly love me the way I believe in love. And its was just one of those times where I felt like nobody could relate to or understand what I was feeling.

A little disclaimer here...I feel like I sound dramatic even just typing that...I was all of 23 years old, so sure, I had plenty of time to find "the one" or whatever you want to say. But it honestly wasn't about that. I knew that I would probably find someone eventually and could be happy with that person. But when I love someone, truly LOVE heart is ALL in. I fall hard and fast. That being also takes a long time for my heart to heal. I really can't put it into was just a season of life, that looking back now, I know God was taking me through on purpose....but I honestly felt like I would never find someone that would love me as much as I loved them. Someone that would let me in completely, and trust me with their whole heart without always holding something back.

Anyways, just to be clear...this song has nothing to do with a relationship, except for one with God. And there were a lot of other things I was dealing with at the time that I honestly I can't even remember them all now in enough detail to describe my emotions. The best thing I can say to describe it, was just that I felt hopeless. I could be in a room full of people, and be completely lonely. I felt like God had abandoned me.  Deep down, I knew all of that wasn't was just a rough season I was going through. This song was my prayer during that time, and on the "other side" of that season...I know for a fact that God was not only listening, but acting.  I am fully confident that he was holding my heart all along....

The song is called Hold My Heart by Tenth Avenue North

It's funny to me all of that heartache was just before I met the love of my life. God had a plan all along. He brought Walter to me. I have never felt so loved by anyone in my entire life, and I was just sitting on the couch last night thanking God for how he has blessed me so. I don't think there is a human being I could love more than I do that man. We may not be perfect, but there is not a doubt it my mind that we are perfect for each other.

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